1,2,3,4

For me, having my first child wasn’t such a difficult transition. Having hyperemesis during the pregnancy meant I was too ill to work and so had nothing to distract me from thinking about the changes that were ahead.

It was having my second child 3 months ago that shocked the pants off me. I think I thought that because I had done it all before and been through the change from couple to little family that nothing would change this time round – we’d just have an extra little bundle in the house.

Instead I feel consumed with guilt. Guilt that my son isn’t getting the undivided attention he was used to. Guilt that my husband isn’t getting much of any attention from me. And guilt that my baby isn’t getting the undivided attention that my son had when he was born. I hadn’t expected to feel so split into parts.

Lucky it is true then that your love just multiplies when you have more children. I had been worried I couldn’t love another child the way I love my son. I love him more for seeing how he is as a big brother. And I think I felt a more instant, overwhelming love for my daughter the second I saw her. My son’s birth was long and ended traumatically and I was shell-shocked when I saw him for the first time. I remember thinking, ‘is that baby alive’? My daughter’s birth was a walk in the park by comparison and I felt a textbook rush of love when she was plopped onto my chest all wet and warm and gorgeous.

I guess every child you have changes the family dynamic and it is taking a little while for that to dynamic to find it’s feet, as it were.

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