What to wear when you’ve shrunk and have a fat crotch?

I’ve just counted and I have 17 bras and 7 pairs of jeans yet none fit. How can this be possible? I’ve got bras that are too tight around my ribcage, and some that are too loose. Very unsexy nursing bras with wide straps that seem to show no matter what you wear. I’ve got jeans that are too tight around the crotch causing me to question if this is where all the cake I am eating is going. Some jeans are now too big and give me that saggy bum look that I’m sure is not what’s trending on the catwalks at present.

The dust has settled since having Shine and I’ve been left with a new body shape and absolutely no idea how to dress it! I’m a bit smaller than my pre-pregnancy self but everything seems to have redistributed and I have flabby bits where I used to be taut and I seem shorter. What on earth is going on? Can two pregnancies do this to you? Maybe lack of sleep can take a toll on your height? There’s something very odd going on here.

So I have to go shopping and gone are the days when I relished the opportunity to hit the shops. I have no idea where to start. I feel like a gawky teenager at the moment traipsing into Zara randomly stroking coats and holding maxi dresses up against myself. I wander about aimlessly, hoping that Bird will call me and beckon me back to the nest to deal with some child crisis and I can avoid purchasing anything.

I don’t want to be frumsy anymore. I think I need a plan of attack. Hours of watching Trinny & Susannah and Gok tell me I should start with underwear. Oh god. The thought alone is tiring! Following underwear I must attack jeans. I think I am going to need speed or caffeine or something to get through this wardrobe overhaul.

In a fantasy land where I don’t spend my days rushing from the park to the supermarket with two messy children in tow, this is what I would be wearing:

Fantasy wardrobe

Anthropologie Ruched Marigold Coat – £198
Anthropologie Veiled Alder Dress – £228
Dune Seventy Lace Up Panel Shoe Boots – £85
Mimco Lowkey Pillow Bag – £175

So I just need to convert my dreams into practical choices. Oh yes, and I have a very small budget to work with. Great. Wish me luck!

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