It’s nearly 3pm in the afternoon and I’ve just looked in the mirror for the first time today. I don’t really like what I see. I see a frumpy, tired woman with hair that’s long grown out of the style it once had, dressed in boring black clothes, with not a skerrick of makeup to be seen. I woke late this morning and rushed about the house getting us ready for the preschool drop-off. There wasn’t any time to consider what to wear, to have a shower, or to do my hair, let alone time to put on make up.
This is bad though isn’t it? Bad for my relationship and bad for my self esteem. How do people manage it though? I find it quite sad to admit that I feel I need clothes, make up, shoes and handbags to feel sexy. Gone are the days where I can prance around the house in a silk cami and knickers and feel hot. Now I need help from outside forces.
If I don’t find myself attractive or feel like a sexual being, what does this mean for Bird? Surely it would be hard for him to find me attractive if I don’t even like what I see in the mirror.
I’d like to do something about it, I really would, but I struggle to see how I can find the time and the finances to get back to fancying myself. How do people do it? Is it possible to feel better about yourself without spending a penny?
There are more questions than answers really in this post. One thing I know though is that I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. Having children has meant I’ve slowly transferred all the time and money I used to spend on myself, to them. Bird loves me as I am – it’s just as well – but I think I need to find a way to reinvent what I look like as a woman in her early thirties and stop clinging to the image I have of myself that’s dated late twenties and pre-children. Something’s got to change from within.
And I should really get up earlier so I can shower before leaving the house. That would probably make me feel about a thousand times better when I get around to looking in the mirror at three in the afternoon.