Do you believe in signs? Are you superstitious? I am.
This morning when I woke up I felt a little like Shine’s bunny – like I’d been through the wringer, tossed in the air and left upside down in a heap.
Bird has been away for a week so I have been solo parenting and to cope with the strain I have hit the gin. I’m a lightweight so we’re not talking bottles and bottles of gin, but it’s fair to say my recycling box is looking a little fuller than usual. On top of that, school places were announced last Wednesday and I had to face sad news on my own. We didn’t get our first choice for Sun. Or our second. Or our third. Nope, we got our fourth. Disappointed doesn’t even come close to how I have been feeling.
I think all these factors combined to leave me feeling a bit meh this morning when I woke up.
Then three things happened in short succession.
I visited a school that is amazing and has a couple of places left. The school was a 10 minute drive away, down a country lane, and it was a trans formative ten minutes. The views were breathtaking. Fields and hills bathed in early morning spring sunshine. Buds on trees and bushes, so new they were fluorescent. I set off for the school feeling nervous but arrived feeling such a sense of calm. It’s not certain we will get a place there, we won’t know for over a month, but for the first time in days I felt a sense of hope.
Then I found out some great news about work and I thought the day couldn’t get any better.
It did though. I found out I’m on the shortlist for this year’s BiB Awards in the Family category. I’m still pinching myself to be shortlisted with some truly amazing blogs.
All this comes at a time when Sun is wanting answers. He wants to know what happens when you die. Where do you go? Do you come back? Is there a heaven? Where is it? Were enough new babies born today, mummy, to make up for all the dead people? Was one of them Lily’s granny who died last week? Sheesh.
I’m finding it tough to come up with eloquent responses at all times, especially as he usually picks the worst times to raise such existential topics. I do say consistently though that he will decide for himself what he believes as he gets older and I share with him what I believe.
I tell him I don’t know if there is one place called heaven but I do believe that it’s possible for those who have left our lives, those who we have loved and held dear, to have the ability to affect our thinking and allow us to see things in a new light. Like a little ray of sunshine hitting me right as I am deciding something big that confirms my decision.
Or once when Sun was just learning to talk and I was having a really bad day, feeling very teary and low, he came running across the park saying a dear friend’s name, clear as day. A friend who had passed away many years ago. I asked him why he was saying her name and of course he couldn’t explain it to me, he could barely say 10 words at the time, but he was smiling and laughing and saying her name. You could believe he was trying to say something else entirely, of course, but I don’t. I believe otherwise. I believe in love forging connections that go beyond this world that we see and feel. Because that comforts me and gives me hope.
I tell Sun that he’ll come to develop his own beliefs and hopefully they will bring him comfort too.
So this morning I felt downtrodden and like things were fairly helpless and then bam, three things happened within the space of a couple of hours that have completely transformed my mood. I believe they are signs not to lose hope for there’s much to celebrate really. Good things happen right when you need them to sometimes.
I guess I should say that if you would like to see my happiness levels explode into all-time highs then you could vote for me for the BiBs. Who knows what good could come your way by doing an act of kindness and voting for me!